My Testimony
(The short version)
I spent 24 years of my life - lost. For years I claimed to be a Christian or a person with old fashioned, “Christian” morals. I believed what I had been taught in my early years, that Christ was the son of God. However, I spent the majority of my life depending on my own works and merit for salvation. I remember saying prayers and making an attempt to speak with God, but nothing ever came of it. I had never repented, but instead I loved sin. I was in love with the world, the lies, deceit, hatred, thievery, adultery, blasphemy, and so forth. I was consciously aware of the wrong I was doing, but I didn’t care. I hated life, people, and even God. I spent years doing countless drugs, drinking 5ths of Bacardi 151, and running around without a solid care in the world. I was a con man. I was a deceiver. I was righteous in my own eyes, though I was the vilest offender.
I once watched a TV series called “Band of Brothers.” I was, at the time, infatuated with everything involving WWII (and war in general). One of the later episodes focused in on an American and German soldier fighting for their lives in hand to hand combat. The two exchanged punches and eventually wrestled to the ground. The struggle continued and eventually a knife was pulled out. At first it looked as though the American would win, but alas, the German soon began to over power the tired U.S. soldier. Seemingly all at once, the German soldier was pinning the American down, all the while with a knife just inches away from the U.S. soldier’s chest. The soldiers fought with all their might. The American soon realized he was losing and gave one last strong effort in order to push the knife away from his chest. He failed. A look of horror overcame the U.S. soldier. He knew he had lost. He knew he had walked over the line of no return. He frantically looked at the German and while shaking his head he shouted “No! No no no! PLEASE!?” The man knew he had lost. He was trapped. He knew the next event he would face would be the knife plunging into his heart. It was too late for him.
Wherever I went, a certain fear was with me – far back in the corner of my mind. It wasn’t a fear which was emphasized by physical or mental situations or stress. It was a fear which seemed to be of a spiritual nature. It was a fear of a scenario very similar to the one described. It was the fear of no way out. It was a fear with no specific scenario in mind, but rather, just the instance of having no way out.
Whenever I fell off of my bike as a child, everything seemed to go by in slow motion. I believe each bike accident had a certain time line of events and realizations. Generally the first one would be “Oops!” or “It’s too late now… bite down!” No matter how many times I fell off of my bike, there was always a point when I realized it was too late. I couldn’t stop the fall. I couldn’t hope that everything would be alright and magically land right back on my two tires. I knew that I had reached a point with no way to undo what had been done. However, in this scenario, I knew everything would work out O-K. I had survived the other crashes, so why not another? But you see, the fear I had described earlier wasn’t of this nature. The fear I had didn’t end with “I survived the others…” The fear I was familiar with had one scenario: a dead end. There was no recovery associated with this fear and as such, it was a fear which could only be associated with judgment and hell.
It wasn’t a fear of the unknown. It was a fear of the known. Much more then fear, it was truth. Looking back, I know it was the Holy Ghost trying to reach me. Wouldn’t you know, it worked!
There came a day which motivated me both by fear and hate. I had decided before hand that on that specific day, I would read the Bible. I didn’t want anything to do with the world that day. I set everything aside on that day so that something good could come of it. The day was June 6th, 2006. The world called it “6/6/06″ or “666”. I knew what “666″ was. However, fear was turned into hate that day. I began to hate the world for mocking what they had no knowledge of. From time to time, while I took breaks from reading the bible, I turned on the TV. Every channel was filled with someone saying “Oh, 666…ha ha ha! Mark of the beast… ha ha ha! End of the world! Ha ha ha!” Every channel had commercials selling ‘end of the world’ movies or showing them on TV. The whole world began mocking a clear warning laid out in the bible. I saw the world as though it were the days of Noah. I thought how Noah must have been mocked concerning the ark and the word of God. Yet here, the world, warned of God of a bitter and horrible end, scoffed at it. They laughed and pointed their fingers. It wasn’t just a person sinning that bothered me - it was God and his Word being mocked which bothered me. I didn’t want any part in it.
I spent roughly 7 hours reading the bible that day. I had never spent that much time reading the word of God. I eventually came upon Acts 16:25-28. More importantly, I read “And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled. But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, Do thyself no harm: for we are all here.” Acts 16:27-28. Never before had I read the bible in such a manner. All of a sudden it clicked. I began to weep uncontrollably. I found God in the pages of His word. I saw how the Holy Ghost must have intervened in order to ensure that Paul would react in time. I saw God working by his mercy. I saw myself as that prison guard. I saw myself with a sword up to my chest, one breath away from an eternity in hell. Yet, I saw God reaching out to me as Paul reached out to the guard. It was as though God were saying “Hey! Wait! I’m still here!”
I didn’t say a prayer. I did, however, make a choice. I can’t put into words what happened that day. All I know is that I desired God, his mercy, his word, and salvation. I knew in my heart that I was a sinner worthy of hell and damnation. I knew that Christ was the son of God and that salvation was possible only by placing my faith in him alone. I made a choice – a choice which wasn’t empty as in times past. I didn’t go through the motions or emotions. I wanted Christ and Christ alone. I wanted to be saved. Soon, I no longer cradled sin in my arms like a mother would with her newborn child. My chains of addiction fell off. Where willpower failed countless times, I suddenly found liberty. I was set free. I was saved. I was born again. I found God and was moved by his word unlike any other time in my life. The days, weeks, and months following only proved that the change in my life wasn’t just a phase.